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Getting Married? Keep Your NameGetting Married? Keep Your NameI know you're in love. And maybe you think it's romantic—or required—to change your name to match your husband's. And when / if you have children, you would like their names to match their parents' name. The reality is, your birth name is connected to your identity, your heritage, and all of who you are. It is how you are known in the world—to those you grew up with, went to school with, worked with, are related to, and developed friendships and relationships with. A lot of who we are is formed and influenced in our early years and school years. When a woman marries and changes her name, she virtually disappears from all who knew her before. • All of her pre-marriage accomplishments are buried with her name. • Friends from grade school, high school, and college, former neighbors, and colleagues, will be unable to re-connect. A 2nd grade classmate made a significant impact on my life. I learned how much one person's smile and kindness could impact the self-esteem of a child the rest of the class made fun of. It was a lesson I realized only in hindsight years later. And I knew someday I wanted to find him and thank him. Thirty years later, I was able to type his name in a computer search engine, contact him, and tell him he made a difference. Had the friend been a woman, finding her would not have been as likely. A more significant reason to keep your name is that it's a continuous reminder to your mate that you are a partner, not a possession. Your man is marrying you as the individual, accomplished, intelligent woman you were when he proposed. Your name is a daily reminder that you remain an individual, capable, accomplished, and intelligent and that you choose to join in this marriage as a full partner, without watering down or giving up who you are. Being "you" is what attracted him in the first place. "Expect the same of your man that you do of yourself." Those were my grandmother's words of advice in my dating years. "Find somebody who's bad habits you think you can live with." was another. Don't lower your standards. Don't settle for being treated as anything less than the everyday goddess you are. If you truly love and respect this guy and treat him accordingly, don't settle for anything less from him. Practically speaking, there is a lot less hassle and paperwork if you keep your name. Anyone who has had their wallet lost or stolen will understand. Keep it simple and sensible. There just aren't enough good reasons to change your name just because you're getting married. If your guy objects, invite him to change his name if it's that important to him to share a name. Make it clear, however, that your name is yours and that it comes with the package; that your identity, family heritage, professional credentials, and accomplishments are connected with that name; and that you are choosing to keep it. If he leaves because you insist on keeping your birth name and identity, take a serious look at your relationship. And ask yourself: • Do you want to be a full and equal partner in your marriage? o Or property? • Do you want a man who celebrates and encourages your intelligence, accomplishments, integrity, and independence? o Or one who wants to change (`tame') and control you? • Do you want a man who listens to, accepts, and trusts your choices and decisions? o Or one who doesn't? Keep you name. Be all of who you are without apology. Allow your partner the same support and opportunity. "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." (Another Grandma Wisdom tip.) About the Author: (c) Anne Wondra (2005) Anne Wondra is a happily married life spirit and career coach, writer, and workshop leader, empowering women and men to be self-confident, capable, happy and healthy. Visit her website http://www.wonderspirit.com for more Life Wisdom and resources.
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